Miracle on 14th Street

leave it to me to deny the reality of graduation and the new phase of life....denial can be great for the first few weeks but once reality hits and denial no longer works i've discovered that one experiences heightened sensitivity or the big man just needed a laugh out of my ridonkulous behavior the past few days. 

 perhaps it all started when i took it upon myself to become the official trash women of miracle on 14th street.  i drive a groww mini-van for those of you who don't know; being bless/cursed with this i can haul of massive amounts of trash at a time.  to be honest sometimes the trash will sit in there for a few days and that is what happened yesterday.  I put five bags of trash into my beautiful 91 mini-van monday night.  when i left for work tuesday morning my van reeked of cinimmon.  it was as if someone had melted down a ton of red hots and poured the hot gooey liquid in my car.  Now i recognize this smell is much better than other smells we have had at 318 but I felt as if I had been trapped in the Christmas section of yankee candle with no ventilation system...I wondered, "what could that smell be?" as I emptied the trash later that evening I realized it was in fact a yankee candle that had melted to a gooey liquid in the stifling 100 degree heat of this beloved city. 

 the day seemed to be on the up when I found out i was working with the international students; they are so enjoyable.  we begin the day off with the pledge and then the teacher puts on a song.  to my delight Alabama's, "Play me some mountain music" came over the speakers and 20 international students pulled out the lyrics and began singing along.  the smile on my face spread from ear to ear as this hilariously beautiful scene unfolded.  Now, I have no idea how the next thing happened but before long i was clogging, yes clogging, in front of these same 20 students to "Play me some mountain music" holy cow....(yes i just said holy cow)

 the day continued and as I snuck off to take my nap in the high school the reality that I am moving out of this place and doing something new with new people next year hit me....panic attack potential but thankfully i fell asleep instead.  I thought watching three episodes of arrested development would take my mind off of the scary real world and it did.....awesome. 

 another thought: the reality that we are entering a new phase of life hit when the temperature changed.  in case you weren't around three days ago in charlottesville you should know that the weather went from nice to atrociously hot and sticky...this is great for my hair...really.  hell may be the upstairs of 318 at night when you're trying to sleep but cannot b/c you're worried about the changing of life in front of you and because you can seem to pull oxygen out of the thick atmosphere around you....seriously....eliza joy will attest to this. 

finally, i tried to do a "big girl" errand today and go fix my cell phone.  the man at the u.s. cellular place is a meanie and i left only to call my mom on my broken cell phone whining (and yes maybe crying) because he had been and i quote, "so mean and unhelpful" okay maybe facing the reality of adulthood just pushed me back to the fourth grade.....I'm not sure if i'm ready for this whole thing or not....yikes....

oh and don't try to call me for 3-5 business days....and don't go see the man at u.s. cellular...in fact don't have u.s. cellular service unless your me and trying to keep your mom in charge of this aspect of your life...which i am. 

I just had to tell a kid to stop pushing a thumbtack in his wrist and putting pen ink into it.  This is simply one of the many ironic and humorous situations I find myself in as a substitute teacher.  You see, after the fall semester I decided it was time to take some responsibility and get a job.  Therefore, I shrunk my course load to a whopping 4 credit hours of photography and became a substitute teacher. 

Substituting has been incredible and I highly recommend it.  The major perks have been the monthly teachers' breakfast that kicks the crap out of the Tavern or Ihop.  Another perk has been the amount of terrible movies I have watched, Because of Winn Dixie, The NeverEnding Story, The Incredibles, Romeo and Juliet (the old version), and also some decent movies.  Of Mice and Men, Romeo and Juliet (new version), and A Series of Unfortunate Events all began as great movies, however I watched them each 4 times in one day and now dislike them more than I dislike goldfish. One of the greatest perks though, may have happened the day I substituted for the Chorus Classes.  The best moment ever came when I asked the women's chorus to sing for me...immediatly they stood at attention and began to sing Kelly Clarkson's, "Breakaway" complete with hand motions and dance moves.  I was speechless....absolutely hilarious that I get paid for this. 

I do have to be a rule enforcer though...thus far I've sent some kids to the hall for the following:  spinning around in the chair, laughing to much and too loud, playing video games, refusing to turn off BET from the television, and stapling their fingers together (same kid as the thumbtack).

I'm also officially a loser in the sight of all high school girls b/c of my cell phone made cerca 1987...in fact they have given me cell  phones to go have activated because they are so appalled by my old piece of technology. 

 I also get to hang out in the teacher's lounge which helps me be prepared for adult life...they like to talk about kids, husbands, family vacations and family outtings....thouroughly stimulating for this oh so single immature girl. 

Next week I begin full time substituting...

"Hello class.  My name is Miss Hardy.  I will be your substitute today."
And so it began.  On Friday, I started my career as a substitute teacher at Western Albemarle High School, my alma mater.  For those of you fellow WAHS graduates- you will appreciate this.  As a whole, the day was fun.  I subbed for Mrs. McLaughlin for two classes and Mrs. Wells (formerly known as Mrs. Eades) for 5th period.  The highlight of the day was the start of 6th period.  I was forewarned that this would be a tough class- standard US History.  The first student entered the classroom, looked directly at me and said:  "Yo.  Are you our sub?  I heard it's your firrrrst day."  Word had spread.  Despite my best efforts to make him sit down, Antonio insisted on standing at the door and telling every student who walked in- "Yo, we got a sub.  And it's her firrrrst day!"  One by one, each student flashed a ridiculously mischevious smile at me and took their seat. 

 Other than a little lip from a smart-ass named CC, the class wasn't too bad.  My first experience as a substitute teacher went remarkably well... and I learned quite a bit, too.

1.  The teacher's lounge isn't nearly as cool as I had imagined in high school.. besides for free drinks and a Game Cube.  (just kidding)  (there aren't free drinks)

2.  Don't ever go to the bathroom during class if it requires leaving the classroom (which it always should).  After returning to Mrs. Wells' classroom, one student looked me in the eye and said, with utmost sincerity, "When you were gone, we got crunked."

 On a different note, I am about to graduate.  As you know, I only have two days of class a week.  Therefore, you would think that I would be able to manage to go to all of my classes.  However, on Thursday (my second to last day of class), I skipped both.  Why, you ask?  "Just because", I say.  The epitome of my attitude towards school can be summed up in my interaction with Mary this afternoon.  We were going through the list of things "to do" before we graduate and when we got to "Go to a professor's office hours" I hung my head in defeat as I realized that I have NEVER been to office hours.  Maybe that's because I am too smart.  Not likely.  I got a D in oceanography. 

That's all for now.  But don't worry- there will be lots to come in the next few weeks.  This is an exciting time of my life.

 

So, Mary and I were just downstairs in our foyer trying to touch our feet to the top of a door frame.  She was able to do it.  I was not.  She is 6 feet tall.  But not athletic.  Anyways, Meggie politely interrupted us to announce that the walls are thin in this house and she is trying to go to sleep.  Sadly, Mary and I walked up the stairs in silence and decided to blog- only because we have nothing else to do, obviously.

 So, as you probably noticed, the title of this blog is:  stalking without walking.  Sounds pretty cool, eh?  Well there's a story behind it and I'm going to tell it to you.  It all started about a week ago when Mary and I decided to walk to the Study Center to drop off my Beach Week check.  Mary put on a pair of black spandex pants with pink and purple stripes down the side.  I insisted that she take them off or else I wouldn't walk with her.  She told me that I was being ridiculous.  I told her she looked ridiculous.  Needless to say, the pants stayed on and she proceeded to ask every person we saw along the way if they were cool.  We finally dropped off the check and as we were leaving, we ran into Davis and Nate.  After chatting for a minute, we left the Stud Center (typo on purpose) and began free-style walking down the corner.  Swinging around poles, holds and grabs, running up walls... you know- all that good stuff... kind of reminds me when I went through my skater stage in middle school and wore carpenter cords and sweaters with stripes down the arm.  Jaclyn and I even made it to the skate park once but we didn't have any blades... so we took a pogo stick.  True or false?  True.

 Anyways, as we were free style walking, we hear someone right behind us laughing (not like a "you are funny" laugh but a "i feel sorry for you" laugh- and yes, i can tell the difference by now).  Turns out that Davis and Nate had decided to go for a run so after laughing and saying hi, they ran past us.  A minute later, Mary and I came up with the miraculous idea to run after them and try to catch them.  However, Davis and Nate are fast.  I am not.  Mary is half-way fast.  After turning the corner and heading towards the hospital, we see them about 200 yards in front of us and realize that  we aren't getting any closer even though we are sprinting.  Just as we were about to give up all hope, the most unbelievable thing happened.  THANK YOU University Transit System for making our wildest dreams come true.  A short bus ride later, Mary and I hopped off, began to run, and sure enough.. guess who we passed all the way over by the end of JPA?  You guessed it- and boy were they surprised.  We waved, said hi- much to their confusion and despair that two girls could possibly be faster than them.  Well, after another quick bus ride, we ended up back by the corner, hid behind the sign at the church on Chancellor, and surprsied the boys as they returned to their house.  Dismay, befuzzlement, shock... would not do justice to their emotions at this time.  It was grand. 

 So stalking without walking is    1... possible    2..... really fun     3... a great way to catch the attention of your former class crush.  Oh wait, one of my housemates already snagged him. 

My life as a substitute is prett grand.  I was the choir teacher recently and I had a room full of ladies sing and dance to the wonderful Kelly Clarkson song, Breakaway.  That was a glorious moment.....why didn't I get to sing cool songs like that in high school? 

Mary is gone for the weekend....  but that is not why I am blogging.  Rather, I want to tell you about a day in the life of an aspiring movie-extra.  It started at 8:30 this morning.  I was in the middle of a dream where the entire sky went dark and people were starting to panic when all of a sudden my phone rang.  Thank you Maggie for interrupting my dream.  Anyways, she proceeds to tell me that she wasn't going to be able to make it out of her bed in order to get to the casting call by 10.  I wasn't about to argue.  A few hours later (approx 12:30), I stumble out of bed and return Maggie's call.  We did a cost-benefit analysis of making the effort to actually go to the casting call and we decided that it was worth it. 

 As we were getting out of our car at the casting call, we see a news van pull in right behind us.  Maggie quickly fixes her hair and rolls down her window to tell the news anchor that she is ready to be filmed.  After pleading and begging for a few minutes, we finally agree to let them interview us about our acting debut.  They rolled the red carpet out and the questions began to flow.  "Why did you decide to come out to the open casting call for Evan Almighty?" the anchor asked.  "Well", I sighed, "the chance to work alongside of the 40-year-old virgin was too good of a chance to pass up."  Much to my alarm, Maggie proceeded to elbow me and then smugly tell me IN FRONT OF the camera that Steve Carroll is clearly 42 years old by now and he's probably not even a virgin anymore.  Great, now I'm going to look like a moron in front of the entire country when the interview is shown.

 The actual casting call was pretty awesome.  Mugshots, questionnaires, lots of information, sizing up the competition... there was even a space where you could check whether or not you had roller blades!  Towards the end of the whole ordeal, I was able to snag Tammy Smith- the casting director (for extras!) and in a candid moment, I looked her in the eye and said, "Tammy.  Let's be honest here.  What are the odds that you will select me, out of the thousands that "audition" to be an extra in this movie?"  Then, she said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life.  "Honey, the odds are good.  You look pretty normal," she replied with a smile.  Jackpot!  Bring on the 65$ a day salary, the 3 catered meals per 12 hour work day, and the opportunity to be the neighbor of the 42-year old non-virgin in Universal Studio's next big hit.  Stay tuned, everybody.  This is just the beginning.

Everybody's acting debut has to start somewhere.  Mine just happened to start on Channel 13's 11:00 news.    

You may be thinking, "Wow, Mary posts much more frequently than her beloved roomate, Eliza Joy."  Again friends I will remind you I take 4 credits and substitue.  Right now I am administering a physics test.....therefore I am supposed to simply sit.  I was doing great about reading a lot and now, well i spend too much time on the world wide web. 

 Some exciting news though:  Jenny Reed Hernandez and myself are venturing out to Portland.  Fear not, it isn't simply two girls trecking cross the country on Easter weekend, but rather there is a gang of us, a band of siblings if you will.  Accompanying us will be, Dave Harris a 27 yr old man, Adam Frazier a fellow alum of GHS who once had an afro and no pants, and Pat Leonard he drives a station wagon and wears visors.  We're pretty much pumped about this trip because we are going to celebrate the marriage of Phillip Page to Larisa. 

 Larisa was Jenny's old YL leader in Miami and Phil was yl leader to Frazier and myself.  They fell in love in Portland and well, committed YLcest.  Congrats....to the both of them. Irony is part of the ministry I suppose.....

 We're becoming an online family really, 16 emails were sent yesterday in regards to the trip.  Information such as the style trends in visors (they suck btw) as well as long sleeves over short sleeves.  Dave Harris remains in the lead having sent 25 emails in four days concerning the trip.....Dave get a life. 

Adam Frazier has recently purchased pants to wear to the wedding, no sneakers Adam.  Jenny just cleaned up her bed that she wetted having nightmares about flying with these boys. 

Was this weird?  Most definently. 

 

 

 

This week is all about some freshness....what do I mean by that exactly?  I mean new things, exhilirating...life giving newness.  Let me just tell you some freshness in life at the Miracle House these days. 
FIRST and most importantly we are having a party tonight.  You're thinking, "geez, everyone has parties why is this a new thing?  what is so freaking fresh about a party?"  Well, I'm here to let you know we are having a party with a theme never explored in the history of The University of Virginia.  This all happened as all eight miracle girls stood in the kitchen one night talking about the need for a party....a desperate need.  We wanted a theme but something new, and fresh.  We quickly discarded the following:  80s, 80s prom, Rowdy Redneck (we have 3 Chi O's),  Punk (although I wanted this bad), and some others.  Suddenly it came to us.....we would have a cultural exploration of hispanic and latino culture by engaging in a party themed, LA QUINCEANERA.  Glorious shouts erupted as we began to salsa and tango around la cocina. 
Therefore tonight, at 10, we will begin the festitivies of the La Quinceanera.  La Quinceanera is a rite of passage for 15 year old women in Latino countries, most commonly Mexico.  They wear ridiculous wedding gowns and are presented to the community as women ready to enter adulthood responsibilities and marriage.  (Fitting that we would have one of these, give the single nature of our house....we're trying to let the world know......)
So that's fresh. 
Also, Jenny Hernandez, one of the main support characters of this blog and myself began to learn awesome dance moves from the one and only Darrin's Dance Moves DVD.....this is something we've never done before and that's exciting, and fresh.  If you come to the party you will see the moves to CRAZY, the brittany spears classic.
Anlsey and  Caroline remodeled their room....that is real fresh.
and lastly
The freshest thing which will become stale soon, is the newly purchased season 1 of grey's anatomy.  we're all obsessed and Jenny has watched all 9 episodes three times in three days.  she hasn't gone to class and hasn't changed clothes.....we're worried.....
i shower more these days....that's fresh....


This is the most incoherent blog yet, I tried to pick a unifying theme of "FRESHNESS" because right now I am in a stale enviroment.  Substitute teaching rocks the house, there is not doubt about that one, however, In School Detention monitoring is not.  I sit and drink Dt. Dr. Pepper for 5 hours straight. if that ain't stale, i dont' know what is.

As I was walking to my car the other day, I came across a cardinal… a dead cardinal.  Now I must tell you that I love cardinals and this was a beautiful one, radiantly red and smushed to a pulp in the middle of our driveway, right next to Catherine’s car (ironic... you bird killer you).  I will be honest:  it was quite disturbing for me.  Catherine later informed me that the bird must have flew into the side of our house and fell to its death.  Unlikely.. considering the tire marks that stretched across the bird's head!  Regardless, I returned later on that day to find the bird still lying in the middle of our driveway.  Now the most likely question would probably be:  How does a bird allow itself to be run over?  I mean, they have wings!  They fly.  They are not supposed to get run over.  However, my mind wandered elsewhere.  As I bent down over the lifeless bird I thought to myself:  I wonder if this bird can be resurrected.   Now this is not a common thought in my head… I promise.  But I can’t deny it.  I honestly thought to myself:  well… Jesus brought people back from the dead.  I wonder if I can.  All I need is a mustard seed, right?  I wonder if this thing has a disease.  Bird flu is going around these days, hmmm.  Do I have to lay hands on it?  Gross!  But, it would be pretty cool to see this bird get up, chirp, and fly away.  I decided to give it a try.  After all, what did I have to lose?  So, I took a deep breath, leaned down, placed my hands on the mangled body of the bird and said:  “In the name of Jesus…… FLY    bird     FLY!” 

 

 

 

 

Take a deep breath.  We can still be friends.  I didn’t actually try to resurrect the bird.  But I did actually think about it, sadly enough!  Instead, I walked inside the house, looked directly at Jenny who was sitting on the couch and said-  “Jenny.  I actually just considered trying to resurrect a bird.”  And she just looked at me with this expression that words cannot do justice to.  So that's that.

 

 

As for other updates in my crazy life... here they are:

1.  I am officially graduating.  I even picked up my cap and gown.  When told that the black tassels were the designated tassels for the College, I considered lying and telling the woman that I was in the A-School.  However, Mary held me accountable.  She's good at that.

 

2.  I ventured out to Crozet the other day with Maggie Littlewood with the hope of becoming an extra on the new Universal Studious flick- Evan Almighty.  As we pulled into the set, we encountered a police man, in his car, facing us.  We pulled up next to him and the funniest thing happened!  I knew him!  And no, he was not the one who busted the party I attempted to throw senior year.  That was.... my dad.  Anyways, to make a long story short- turns out that only construction crews were on the set and we were told to come back in a few weeks.  My acting debut is postponed.

 

3.  Be careful when you agree to hang out with Josie and Elizabeth.  Among many things, they will inevitably attempt to persuade you to sit in public fountains, participate in a 3-person indian run around barracks road, and get nakey... on the top of mountains.  They are so sketchy. 

 

So, as you may have read I have an extremely intense course load this semester....four hours....of photography.  That said, I have taken on a new career.  No longer am I Mary Stafford, UVA student, but now I am Mary Stafford UVA student and Substitute teacher Extraordinairre.  Substitute teaching is the best kept secret and I'm afraid by discussing it you may want to sub and therefore make the market more competitive which will increase the supply and perhaps affect my wages.  But let's be honest I was no econ student and I'm only doing this for a semester.....I'm trusting you okay? 

Why You should Substitute: 
It is really fun to go back to a packed lunch like the glory days of elementary school. 
I read about 1 book a day while students do their work.
High Schoolers rock the house...nuff said...
Watching the same film five times in one day about "The Storm of the Century" helps you value the weather outside.
High School bathrooms.....
Teachers are quirky as all get out.
I use the phrase, "I deserve more respect than that..."

This time of my life is great, because I'm transitioning from immature Mary to a more mature Mary.  Heck, I even drove a station wagon to school this morning...soccer mom?  not yet i hope. 

Final Excitement of the Post: 
Yesterday I took a cycling/spinning class with a 56 yr. old instructor.  His name, Blaze.  His dress, Spandex.  His music selection, Beyonce, Black Eyed Peas, and Rainforest Elevator Music.  Middle age women in the class with me would engage in the cycling conversation. 
Blaze, "Let me hear you scream!"
Women, " YYOOWW!!! GO!" 
This was glorious....if you can imagine me sweating to death, dying on a bicycle laughing at this incredible situation.  Aleluia.